The most interesting moments spark thought for me, and I think...hmmm is someone else thinking about this?? Today I watched Fresh Prince of Bel Air and it was an episode in which Will's long lost father came back to build a relationship with him. Wills dad stayed around for a couple of days, they enjoyed each others company and it was the first time Will called his dad, Dad. Will's dad promise to take him on a road trip, until he got an offer to do a truck route for a colleague, and ditched Will. When this happened Will turned to Uncle Phill to assure that he would be ok because his father never was around; he made an emotional pledge to continue living his life without his father and one day being a better father than he ever was, and ended by crying, " Why doesn't he want me."
At that moment, it occurred to me, that is a question many women ask themselves when a relationship doesn't work. The question is, why is questioning why you are not good enough the first thing that often comes to mind? Self Love. Its the root of the self love that most likely was secured or compromised because of the relationship with your father.
It is no secret that we model our relationships from our parental attachments (or lack thereof). In many cases, we've had a dramatic shift in the family structure, and across all ethnic groups, divorce is high, and father's are absence. When the figure representing male to female security and love are absence, there is no secured model in measuring worth, value, and treatment in a relationship. This is when young or older women must look to media or others for relationship models,
I recognize that many women I know, including myself, who've had absent fathers (even if the father was physically there, but emotionally absent) have the most challenges with heterosexual romantic relationships. In honor of growth, I think it's important to constantly reflect on our patterns of thoughts and behaviors, and explore how they began. Once you explore the roots, you must begin to come to terms with some uncomfortable truths, forgive some people, and shift. Create a new story; a new idea of love; a new measure of your worth. Shift from why doesn't he want me?, to we weren't compatible anymore, and I look forward to the man that will honor me. Desertion doesn't have to define your relationships. It;s not about having "daddy problems", its about understanding your own story, and powerfully choosing to fill in the gaps because I assure you, men and women who've experienced emotional absentee fathers, similarly experience gaps in having a completely secure romantic relationship. Learn your own story, and create a new one!
By: Tiffany Wright