Hey Ladies! The timelines you have in your head about these "milestones" you must meet, are not real. I'd first like to bring to attention, the obsession with 30. You know what I'm talking about.
For starters, most of you want to be in your dream career, job, car, and/or living situation by 30. Yes, the idea of pure independence and social power as a woman definitely seems like the way to go. You possibly spend your 20s sacrificing your physical and mental health so you can satisfy your ego and obtain the "things" your heart desires. If you have all that, or are working on all that, that's wonderful for you. It's great to have goals to work towards. It keeps life fascinating. On the flipside, are you constantly comparing yourself to others if in fact you haven't acquired those "things" yet? Are you allowing those acquisitions define your value? Do you see yourself as less or more valuable without or with them, respectively?
Secondly, are you feeling the pressure to be a global citizen? According to MMGY Global, 6 in 10 millennials would rather spend money on experiences than on things. Translation, we travel a lot! With hundreds of travel blogs, social media accounts deddicated to deals and photo sharing, one could feel the "pressure" to travel. Well, one could also feel that they have to get all the adventure out of them now, right now, this very moment, especially before 30 when life "begins. " Give me a break. I get your YOLO mentality, and I understand you never know what the future holds, but if other generations could survive putting off travel, you won't go off the deep end if you waited.
Hmmm, what do we have next? Ahhhh good ol marriage. Now this right here...this is the whole reason behind this post. Elite Daily posted an article this week, sharing that a 29 year old woman who had been in a 2 year relationship committed suicide because her 30th birthday was days away and she was not married nor with children. Her goal: have a family by 30. May her soul rest in peace. This right here calls for major conversation. This story, plus that of women marrying themselves, just tugs on my heart.
Life is not defined by you obtaining a husband (or wife). You are more than a BEing waiting for a ring and ceremony. Yes, love enhances your life so much more. Yes, having a committed long term partner makes life a little sweeter, but life is so much more. Do you love yourself? Like, reeeeeaaaallly love yourself? Do you give to others? Do you pour love in others? Have you connected to and began walking in your purpose?
Marriage is an institution of security, moreso for the woman than man. A wife secures a man to bear children and obtain wealth. That's the history of it. Marriage until the late 19th century, has never really been about Love. Its been about security. The presence of motion pictures began to really idolicize notions of romance. Now today, partially thanks to companies like Disney and DeBeers, we are obsessed with romamce, rings, marriage (as an event more than a committment). Women in the US, used to get married in their teens because they had to. Now we have the power to choose because we don't need marriage for financial security. Dwell in that. For the most part, your life in 2015 is marked by a sense of freedom. You don't live in 1920. Which also means you can speak up and become more involved in the process.
This married by 30 business can lead to diminished esteem, depression, anxiety, and desperation. First off, anyone can GET married but it's not just about getting married...its about staying married. Learn who you are. Find your purpose. Live your happy. Fall in love with you and you'll attract what you want, I'm so sure of it.
There is no rule as to when you "should" get married. It's a mental and social construction. ITS NOT REAL! Come back to reality please. You're causing yourself unnecessary stress and pressure, and that is not healthy.
Ask yourself, do you a wedding or a lifetime of commitment with someone? Do you realize that marriage is not just about having someone forever? Are you the person you need to be, to even be married? Are you selfless? a good communicator? aware of your faults? actively working on healing past hurts and trauma? trusting? a committed person?
Hey woman, let that obsession go, whether you're 25 or 35. Live life and whatever you're searching for, will find you.
By: Tiffany W.
**View Article referenced in post
Heartbreaks are wack, but they happen and can fuel amazing growth and transformation in life. Dissapointment arises when you live in expectation, but peace can be present when you live from a place of openness and acceptance. This is not to say you have no standards, or you're not allowed to feel pain or hurt,
but how you survive or thrive in that post heartbreak time is determined by which space you operate out of; judgment or acceptance. As I often acknowledge, pieces of advice like this are definitely easier said than done, but its a sure enough process that you can go thru to help you heal.
Here are some tips I've found helpful:
1. Don't be angry
For whatever reason, you dodged a bullitt, and you are blessed to be separated with someone not aligned with you at the time. It's all about perspective. We are not all the same, so it's unfair to assume that others will always feel how we feel, think how we think, and act how we act. Try to accept the Heartbreaker's decision/ train of thought, and be mindful of what you will do differently in the future.
2. Hindsight is 20/20
Reframe from thoughts of regret. This can be a tough one. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. Been there, done that, umm check please? We are the sum lf our actions and experiences, even the one 's diverged. Take the good of the sitiation with you in the future, and look at any possible lessons
3. Don't blast your business on social media
The easiest thing to do, is take advantage of social media and go on a venting rant. Don't be a she-woman manhater. If you want to write, get a journal or create a blank word document on your phone or computer. Unless your rallying up positive upliftment, or offering major epiphanies for others to connect to, keep it to yourself. It's necer necessary to defame anyone's character no matter what they do.
4. Allow yourself to feel
There are some people who feel everything, and because of some situations, can easily get caught in a downward spiral of blame, sadness, pity, regret, and depression. Others, may have a get-that-dirt-off your shoulders, nonchalant attitude and can move on from anything as if nothing happened. The goal is to allow yourself to be somewhere in between. Feel, reflect, and then move on. We are all human, and it's ok to feel hurt and pain from disappointing situations, but always remember the pain will only last as long as you give power to it. When you're ready to stand up, smile , and keep fiercely strutting, only then, will you begin healing.
5. Live Life.
It's easy to sit in, stay sad, eat everything in sight (or completely nothing if you're one of those types) because of such an event. But BEautiful, you're going to have to put effort in igniting your joy. Exercise, dancing, listening to uplifting music and watching comedies work for me, find what works for you. BE around loved ones, go explore your city; BE bold and take yourself on a date. Read a new book. Just make sure to keep going; not as a means to distract yourself, but as an act of self love, and knowing you deserve to keep living no matter what.
Everyone deals with life differently, but like I said, just deal with it. Choosing to deal with it, also means to reflect and grow, and that's the most important thing you can do. Secondly it's about finding the healthy place of taking responsibility vs. not blaming yourself. We don't ask for terrible things to happen, but consider if at any moment you saw signs? you ignored your intuition? you stayed longer than you needed to? you based your relationship on hope and potential vs. reality? you didn't feel like you could have anyone else? and maybe none of these come up, and you and your partner just wasn't working out anymore. No problem. Make sure to reflect and grow .
If you're not going through recent or prolonged heartbreak, make sure to that you be there for someone who is. Regardless if they don't want to talk to you, sometimes just knowing that someone is willing to comfort you, reminds you that you are loved and are special.
The best way to heal hurt, is with love. When someone is fueled or driven by love, their sense of joy radiates on high, and when joy is present, there is light in the world. BE love and give love. No one knows how you truly can be affected by heartbreak, nor do you
Written by: Tiffany W.
Yesterday I was stuck on what exactly to express in my weekly "What We Cam Learn From" edition. It was going to be centered on ESPN' anchor Steven A. Smith, and the controversy around his comments of domestic violence and "provocation" initiated by women, but my spirit wasn't ready yet. Today, I thought, which woman would I honor in Throwback Thursday? I had no idea, but this morning I listened to a sermon on "Knowing Who You Are."
The importance of identity, purpose and the confidence in both is of the highest manifestation in self love. When you know what God has made you to be; when you know who you are as a spiritual BEing of purpose; when you know who you are as a woman. ..that is a powerful place to be in life. Over the course of the day, it came to me.
No other than Tina Turner. Her spirit of strength, vitatlity, transformation and confidence is the perfect woman to emanate self love on Throwback Thursday. Yes she is still alive, but the throwback is honor of her decision to walk away from all that didn't serve her and walk into a life worth living.
Tina Turner, born Ana Mae Bullock in 1939, is a singer, author, choreographer, dancer and actress who rose to musical fame between the 50's and 70's. Her powerful career was groomed and managed by her ex-husband and fellow singer Ike Turner. Ike not only wrote for, produced, and "discovered" Tina, but he also inflicted years of emotional, mental and physical abuse on her due to his personality and lifestyle. Much of their relationship is depicted in the film, What's Love Got To Do It. The title is based off a song written and performed by Tina after her divorce and choice to transform her spirituality and career.
Thru her pain, she found Buddhism and opened her consciousness to a higher purpose and state of BEing. Tina not only left Ike, but she went from performing r&b to feeling alive thru rock & roll. She was transparent about the violence inflicted on her, and even more transparent about how it helped her understand demanding what she wanted in life, and truly practicing self love. She moved to Switzerland with her lifetime partner, away from the hectic lifestyle that epitomized the US. After being together for over 20 years, they married last year, and she is a graceful 78 years young.
Her iconic song, What's Love Got To Do With It, is a very relevant lesson for the woman of today. Many millenial women have a "by the time I'm 30" deadline. They expect life, their career and marriage to be manifested by 30. Marriage for 20 somethings has to do with love and fantasy. But when fantasy and love fade, what's left? You have people who didn't (on average) spend time getting to know themselves or really what their values and intangible desires are. Women, who look for men to complete them and fulfill their childhood dreams by getting married. Now there are few couples who really have the maturity and spiritual understanding necessary to connect to the higher purpose and functioning of marriage, but most, not so much. The missing ingredient is self love, self knowlege, self worth, and confidence. This is the major lesson that Tina Turner's life symbolized.
Her life and transformation is an ideal example of the power of self love and living confidently. When you know who you are, what you deserve, and how beautiful life can be when you trust in yourself, you open a peaceful life of possibilities. You tap into an eternal flow of blessings. Of course this doesn't prevent negative life circumstances from happening, but you build the strength to be you and live your resiliently despite circumstances. There are people who provoke life to emit negative circumstances, but most people just receive what life gives out, not knowing what role they can play in preventing such circumstances. Life is not fair but it is responsive based on how we think and feel about it. Connect to who you are, your faith, your strengths, and everything around. BE mindful of who and what you let in. Don't shame others for their unhealthy or maladaptive choices. Live your life to the best you can!
Written By:Tiffany W.
Are you expected to be attached to someone at all times in your 20's? Whether you're dating, hooking up, or in a serious relationship, SHOULD you be connected to another being? Is it still considered abnormal to be completely unattached, even without expectation or desire of wanting to receive the attention of another?
These are thoughts that recently came to mine because of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine about dating and entertaining the company of males. I broke up with my ex of almost 3 years, nearly 8 months ago. To me what seems like yesterday, appeared to be a long time to my friend. Apparently, so long, she asked, "Well, what about just having "friends?" My response, " Girl, I don't need no new friends; no new friends" (in my Drake voice of course). She looked at me with these, "Come on girl!" eyes, and commented " there's nothing wrong with just friends." I was so anti the friend notion at that moment, "I said heck naw! Its not necessary. I have all the friends I need right now. I don't want no new male in my presence. Don't want to smell them. i don;t even care for a compliment or a random smile." Despite my reaction, our conversation had me thinking afterwards.
Why do I need new friends? I have male cousins and close friends that I have good healthy relationships with. The only extra male interaction I want right now is in the form of a professional mentourshi. I have been in long term relationships all of my 20's and this is the longest I've been single, and I'm completely enjoying it. The idea of flirtation, dating games, special outings, impressive gifts, and male energy is nothing that intrigues me at all. I want to love on me; pick myself up when I don't feel my best. Take myself out or workout alone when I need to get my spirit up.
Every BEing and thing on this Earth holds energy; and when we our constantly in contact with someone or something, we exchange energy with it. I am spending time releasing energy I've held on from multiple people, places and things. Is that okay? My life is in limbo and majorly re-shifting and I only want those who love me and have been supportive to lend their energy to me.
At one point in reflection, I thought to myself, "Am I repressively being bitter?" and the answer is no. I take back the notion of completely not wanting any new friends, but its all conditional. Clearly, I haven't been closed off to new female energy because naturally, I want to connect with and build relationships with empowering women.I don't want to entertain any "special friends." You know, the one that says he doesn't want to be in a relationship but wants to go on dates to assuage his loneliness. The guy who "just wants to meet people." Why? Haha. Between my friends online dating and dating app experiences, I have second handed experience with the desperation out there. People want to have people around to cope with their fear and discomfort of loneliness, to stroke their ego's, or to have random, exciting, spontaneous sex. None of which interests me. Yet. it would be okay to be open literally to just platonic friends because that's natural. If I wouldn't ex-nay female energy, there's no need to be selective of male energy.
I just believe that people have the choice and power to remain still in who they are without having to be attached to anything that can turn into a love interest. Anyone coming out of major long term relationships, should really take time to themselves to re-emerge to the world; re-align with their joys and just BE! When you are so in love with and comfortable with yourself, there is no need to seek the companionship of another. One of the most pivotal first steps in learning to BE in my own skin, was the first time I went to the movies by myself. I would go to the movies, on walks, and to eat by myself during my last year of college. When I moved to New York, I went to concerts, museums and more....all by myself! To be alone and know that you are not lonely is powerful. I am surrounded by love, but the most important love I can experience is that which I give myself.
BE comfortable with the silent times. Explore who you really are. Explore the relationships and experiences that add to the complexity of your BEing. Stay focused on what you want, who you want to be, and what you want to give to this world. This world is not meant to be lived alone, but consider the intention, power, and source of everyone you allow to enter, stay, and exit your life. There's nothing wrong with new friends, but it's ok to discern what type of "friends" you want,
BE secure in you and who you want to be. Surrounding ourselves with others allows us to learn about ourselves because those who we give time in our lives, are the greatest mirrors to who we are.
BE Still. BE Love. BE Secured. BE You~
Written by: Tiffany W.
One of the major challenges for people in romantic relationships is reflecting the love they expect from another. Far too often, this begins even before a relationship begins. For example, I hear women say they want men with incomparable amounts of wealth, fancy homes, cars and travelling privileges and they themselves may have poor credit, no home, a very basic car, and can barely afford a passport. Now there's nothing wrong with whatever a woman may or may not have, but the point is there is often an unequal distribution of expectation towards someone to give you what you may not be able to give them...not even a fraction.
Now we get to love. We have to consider our ability to love others as a tank. We can only give what we have. We only have the capacity to really love another because of the love we can have for ourselves and others. It's not always just about what we expect, its' about what we give. I know many friends that will cheat on their partner, but feel disrespected if they did that to them; or who are very selfish with money, but want their mates to give them the world; or who verbally disrespect their partners, and will walk away as soon as it happens to them. We are far from the days where a majority of women will stay in a relationship that they will be trapped or abused in. Now this is in no way to negate the fact that every 9 seconds a woman in the US is assaulted or beaten or that in the US, more than 3 women per day are murdered by their significant others, and that domestic violence is a rapid and pervasive social issue still alive and well. Yet, in the average relationship that may not be marked by severe inter partner violence, people don't feel the need to just exhaust all possible time in a relationship; they are most likely to leave when they are fed up, as reflected in our divorce rates.
To Mr. Thicke's case, whatever occurred between the two, encouraged Paula to step back from the relationship.If you missed it, Sunday night, he performed a new single targeted towards his estranged wife . Only those two know, but from his songs he suggests, he didn't treat her right. In what some would call a purely romantic gesture, Robin has began a campaign highlighting his recent separation tragedy (which he's financially profiting from) of singing songs celebrating Paula, and posing the case of why she should take him back. His words are so focused on constantly acknowledging how he was wrong, and how he wish he could go back to happier times, I wonder, has Robin explored the root of his behavior? Has he explored the root of his spiritual and mental state that triggered his actions because that's where the catalyst lives. Apologies are beautiful but change comes from a mental and spiritual place. How you treat someone comes from an interaction between the ego and your sense of self love. If that love tank is not filled up, and you don't see how others should be loved just as you want to be loved, apologies only go so far. Learn to love yourself, so that you may learn to love others. Think about people in your life who you may wish bad on. Think about when you downplay or express consistent discontent in the choices another make. Think about hurt, pain, jealousies, or anger you are harboring against another, whether you do or do not interact with them. Do you look at others and secretly repulsively judge their appearance? If someone breaks their word, do you cut them out your life for good? These are occurrences that we all share, or have experienced, whether 1 or all. This is why mindfulness is important and a love walk is a life journey. We must release expectations that we have for others because we often fall short in one way or another. The point: Give Love, and you will receive it; and if you don't, take that relationship as a lesson of what to look for differently, or further examine your perceived value and worth.
Written by: Tiffany W.
See the video here: http://www.bet.com/video/betawards/2014/performances/video-playlist.html#!Robin-Thicke-Makes-Another-Plea-For-Paula
The most interesting moments spark thought for me, and I think...hmmm is someone else thinking about this?? Today I watched Fresh Prince of Bel Air and it was an episode in which Will's long lost father came back to build a relationship with him. Wills dad stayed around for a couple of days, they enjoyed each others company and it was the first time Will called his dad, Dad. Will's dad promise to take him on a road trip, until he got an offer to do a truck route for a colleague, and ditched Will. When this happened Will turned to Uncle Phill to assure that he would be ok because his father never was around; he made an emotional pledge to continue living his life without his father and one day being a better father than he ever was, and ended by crying, " Why doesn't he want me."
At that moment, it occurred to me, that is a question many women ask themselves when a relationship doesn't work. The question is, why is questioning why you are not good enough the first thing that often comes to mind? Self Love. Its the root of the self love that most likely was secured or compromised because of the relationship with your father.
It is no secret that we model our relationships from our parental attachments (or lack thereof). In many cases, we've had a dramatic shift in the family structure, and across all ethnic groups, divorce is high, and father's are absence. When the figure representing male to female security and love are absence, there is no secured model in measuring worth, value, and treatment in a relationship. This is when young or older women must look to media or others for relationship models,
I recognize that many women I know, including myself, who've had absent fathers (even if the father was physically there, but emotionally absent) have the most challenges with heterosexual romantic relationships. In honor of growth, I think it's important to constantly reflect on our patterns of thoughts and behaviors, and explore how they began. Once you explore the roots, you must begin to come to terms with some uncomfortable truths, forgive some people, and shift. Create a new story; a new idea of love; a new measure of your worth. Shift from why doesn't he want me?, to we weren't compatible anymore, and I look forward to the man that will honor me. Desertion doesn't have to define your relationships. It;s not about having "daddy problems", its about understanding your own story, and powerfully choosing to fill in the gaps because I assure you, men and women who've experienced emotional absentee fathers, similarly experience gaps in having a completely secure romantic relationship. Learn your own story, and create a new one!
By: Tiffany Wright
Recently, I was sitting down with a few ladies and a guy friend, and the topic of discussion came up to be "What's wrong with the men today?" Basically, why don't men (on average) court women, and why are they so quick to try to get some. Opinions were exchanged. Thoughts such as
There's several reasons I didn't give much feedback. For one, I'm not dating and haven't dated anyone new in 3 years, so I'm not really in the know of this matter. Secondly, I feel that these special group of men and angry dramatic female outtakes are irrelevant to my life and space. Let me explain. I am a firm believer in the Law of Attraction. In addition, I am a self-aware being, on a constant journey of transformation and personal development, which I know the average person, let alone man in my age group, probably is not. Lastly, since my last relationship, I do everything stepping in the name of self love ( I hope you got that R.Kelly innuendo haha). What does all this mean?
Think about this, when you set expectations of what and who you want, do you represent that which you desire? Its the idea of "Look at the (wo)man in the mirror...if you want to make the world a better place, you gotta look at yourself and make a change"-Michael Jackson or even "BE the change you wish to see" -Ghandi. At any time in our lives, we attract beings who are similar in thought, values, or behaviors. "Something" attracted you to whomever you decided to give a chance, and I believe its this unknown spiritual connectivity that will happen, not just what you want. Not only that, but the golden rule " As a (wo)man thinketh, so is he"-the bible . We attract what we constantly think about; whether that's goodness or negativity in life. Even if you have a not so pleasant encounter with a man or woman, I say be thankful for a new lesson, instead of bashing them...because it just might lead to a continuous pattern of bashing, unless someone else fixed you up. Secondly, everyone is in a different place when it comes to personal development and transformation. The most "successful" people and greatest leaders of our world, read. They read a lot. Not only do they read, but they read for the purpose of becoming better at their crafts, at leadership, and being their best selves mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Its called a never ending journey of personal development and learning. I too focus on constantly improving myself; reading books, watching and listening to different motivational speakers, life philosophers, and spiritual leaders. For starters, its necessary to find where someone's mental, spiritual and emotional state is when you first meet them. If they are at a 3 and your at 7, you must be realistic and know they're whole being is going to be different than what you may desire. Be honest, and love yourself enough to be real. Lastly, if you love yourself, you know what love or a simulation of love will look like based on how you view, treat, and appreciate yourself and time. You are the best measure of how someone should treat you.
In dating, you must understand who you are. Don't expect someone to give you the world, moon and stars. A relationship isn't about what a person can do for you or give you, or even fill in what you think you lack. Those are bonuses. A relationship is about BEing in a state of love, compassion, spiritual connectivity and growth; this can truly match the qualification for any type of relationship. It's so important to understand 1) If the same outcomes repeatedly occur for you, revisit who you are and how you show up in the world 2)Everyone isn't in the same place as you, so if you meet someone in a different space, from a loving place, share with them how to learn a new perspective or connect to a channel of growth. pay forward your knowledge and awareness because someone somewhere payed it forward to you. Lastly, a huge undertaking of self awareness, is to know that anyone is the sum of their experiences, so be understanding. There may be a pattern of undesirable behaviors , but there's also a pattern of broken homes, media uplifting one night stands, and more women who don't care about courting. Anyone you meet, you must consider where they're from, their family structure, and even their past relationships. Take a look at yourself. We are human, which solely means to be imperfect. We are complex beings, and it goes to deeper than laying a blanketed generalization of frustration; no matter who it is.
Written By: Tiffany W.